Thursday, December 2, 2010

Honoring The Tradition Of Thanksgiving...

We hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving.  We know we did!  Billy Cram and I decided to follow the REAL traditions of Thanksgiving this year.  We consulted the holiest authority on American Christian holidays, the "BuyBull".  The BuyBull is really a great source of knowledge and guidance in this modern and lost world.  Where else can you find information on exactly whom to stone in this day and age?

As you're well aware, there are some minor translation differences between the many versions of the BuyBull.  The BuyBull was written in several variations of the ancient language "Bull," and since nobody really speaks these dialects anymore, we have to consult the expert's divinely inspired best efforts when we decide to take the BuyBull literally.  We looked at both the King Blames Version, and the New Interesting Version.  The New Interesting Version has been recently updated just this year, and so we'll be quoting from the latest and greatest good news, ALRIGHT! 

The King Blames Version states:  "Mount up on thine large and rare beasts, my people.  Kill the manna which I have provided unto you, and eat upon it with thanksgiving in your hearts."

The New Interesting Version is somewhat different:  "Ride on the backs of what one day will be known as dinosaurs, and go kill a turkey.  And then, eat the turkey and call this Thanksgiving." 

 This newest version proves that not only did Dinosaurs walk the earth with humans, but they're also an important part of the Thanksgiving celebration.
Photo from the Creation Museum, borrowed from
Dinosaurs have since become extinct, obviously because they weren't smart enough to build their houses out of those meteor-proof turtle shells like in the movie "Enemy Mine," so we clearly can't mount up on their backs and hunt turkeys.  Therefore, we decided to honor them symbolically, by adorning ourselves with dinosaur hats whilst hunting our manna.

After killing our birds, we compared them, and decided to keep only the best one.  We need just one turkey after all, so no need to be wasteful.

We came back home and prepared the meal according to the scriptures:  "And I command thee, baste thy turkey in his own fluids, and stuff his bowls with bread and other small bits of things.  Drink and be merry, and toss your old and unfit foods of yesterday about thine house in sport, and prepare only foods thou hast killed or ripped from the earth."  And so we did as the scriptures commanded.  We threw our leftover pasta all over the house and Cram rode his "Christ Cycle" around the den in praise.

"...and the elders of the word of the lord shall gather at the table together, and they shall eat and share amongst themselves."  So we gathered together and ate with the inspired voices of the lord:  our fat friend Jerry Falwell, the 1950s version of Billy Graham, the-rent-is-too-damn-high man, and Gargamel.

But Mr. Falwell did not want to share the gravy, so we threw mashed potatoes at him.  When we quoted the King Blames Version that one should "smite thy self, should ye be given to gluttony," Falwell replied with a quote from the Fat Christian's Version of the good book that "All sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord, except for gluttony, which is kind of a secondary offense that can only be combined with a serious offense, and isn't really punishable by itself."  

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But the best part of Thanksgiving is that we can finally start looking forward to Christmas!  Like it says in the New Interesting Version:  "Render unto Walmart the things that are Walmart's, and unto Best Buy the things that are Best Buy's.  For the birth of our lord shall mean more to man than mere salvation, and shall be personified here, at these sacred grounds.  The lord born as a man shall cause the multitudes to praise his name from the very tops of the markets.  When the rooster crows three times, there shall be hoards among you scattering to praise his name with your tithing not spared!"  And as the old hymn proclaims:  "holy, holy, holy!  Lord God Almighty!  Early on Black Friday, we stand in line for thee.  Holy, holy, holy!  Merciful and mighty!  Beat them with purses,  blessed spending spree."  This scripture, and this hymn represent the true meaning of Christmas to all believers.  Don't people understand that it's sacrilege to remove the name of Christ from this holy and overly commercial holiday season?  More on this at Christmas time.... 

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